Pentecost 3C St Mark's, Northern Albury

Next Wednesday marks six months since I had right shoulder total replacement surgery. I was in the hospital for two nights, the surgeon gave me a three month sick leave, and the bishop told me it would take six month before I finally felt like myself again. The operation was  easier than expected but the recovery was more difficult;  I had to learn to lean and depend on people in a new way, it changed the way I got out of bed or a chair; changed my moods, my dreams, my prayers. I had to learn new ways of moving, living, being and I learned something more about vocation; about being in, living out of, the place where God calls us. I would bet that everyone here has had, gone through, those trying times, sometimes crises of health or wealth, sometimes when life and God taps us on the shoulder, hand us someone or something new, and say, "Now, learn to live with this." I think that is what vocation is all about. 

People in each of our three lessons respond to call, honour vocation, sometimes in solitude and sometimes when vocation comes creating community, connections; when strangers look at one another and realise their lives will be changed forever: when something old has gone out of sight, and something new has come into view; when life and faith turn us round and stretch us out and nothing will ever be the same again. So let’s look at the lessons, beginning with Paul. 

Remember he starts out as Saul of Tarsus and while in todays epistle he writes: “God had set me apart before I was born and called me through his grace, pleased to reveal his Son to me... so that I might proclaim him.” we know this didn’t come easy. Saul had decided he already had a vocation; to search out and persecute a heretical sect called the people of the way, Christian. He had approved of the death of the deacon Stephen, he had uttered threats and furiously set out to Damascus full of righteous anger; and then a call came and Saul stopped short, struck blind by the light of Christ so that he might become enlightened, cast down to be raised up in a new calling of grace and peace. For Paul, and sometimes for each of us, vocation comes as a kind of dying and rising to new life. 

A poem by T.S. Eliot, quoting St John of the Cross, fits here:

In order to arrive at what you do not know
You must go by a way which is the way of ignorance.
In order to possess what you do not possess
You must go by the way of dispossession.
In order to arrive at what you are not
You must go through the way in which you are not.
And what you do not know is the only thing you know
And what you own is what you do not own
And where you are is where you are not. 

Saul has to cross this wilderness, to learn to see himself, his God and his neighbour anew, with a new purpose, a new freedom, the costly gift of a free grace that requires a new faith, a new vision, a new community, a new name and a new life. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

Then the word of the Lord comes to Elijah, saying, “Go now to Zarephath, which belongs to Sidon, and live there; for I have commanded a widow there to feed you.”  Two commands, callings, there. But let’s look at the widow. 

Now maybe she liked to cook, loved to share meals in better times, that might have been part of her vocation, for as Frederick Buechner writes: “The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” 

But they are a strange pair, the prophet on the run and the poor starving widow with a young son who’s asked to take on another mouth to feed. And when Elijah asks for "a morsel of bread,” she says, “As the Lord your God lives, I have nothing baked, only a handful of meal in a jar, and a little oil in a jug; I am now gathering a couple of sticks, so that I may go home and prepare it for myself and my son, that we may eat it, and die.” 

Sometime, maybe even often, vocation comes when there’s nothing left to lose. when you thought it was all over then God calls you to begin again, take up hope, make space, knead and bake bread for the surprising stranger, and this can come at inconvenient times.

In the 1960‘s, when I was a teenager, my parents lived on my uncle’s sheep ranch midway between Sacramento and San Francisco, and a good number of family and friends used to arrive on Friday night for a few days in the country. One day my father put a plaque on the kitchen wall which read, “Weekend guests: we’re glad you’re here and hope you enjoy your time, but if we start to drink on Sunday afternoon and ask you to stay over until Tuesday, please remember, we don’t mean it.”

For it is when the weekend guest stays, when a casual conversation starts including personal information, when we witness and share weakness and hope and intimate revelation, when the gift and necessity of love brings us together to share life, it is often when we're honestly learning to live together, that a vocation to care can make itself know, and this can stretch us painfully.

And Elijah says to her, “Do not be afraid; go and do as you have said; but first make me a little cake... For thus says the Lord the God of Israel: The jar of meal will not be emptied and the jug of oil will not fail.”  And it was so. And even when her son appears to die, Elijah calls to the Lord saying, “let this child’s life come into him again.” and gives  the living child once again to his mother; who says, “Now I know that you are a man of God, and that the word of the Lord in your mouth is truth.” 

So maybe it’s only then that her the understanding of vocation comes clear: to feed the man whose mouth spoke the word of The Lord; to knead and bake for the one who gave her endless, miraculous bread; to give life to the one who would bring her son to life. Sometimes God calls us to take our part in that complex dance of love. 

And Jesus gives the son of the widow of Nain a new life. As he and the crowd following him pass by a funeral procession, he has compassion on this women who has lost her hope, her life in her son (and I wonder if his own mother was in the crowd, I wondered if they looked at one another, if they saw each other on this road), and Jesus touches the bier and says, “Young man, I say to you, rise!” The son rises and Jesus give him to his mother. 

Vocation can get you in deep trouble, Jesus had  people in his old home town telling him who to heal, where to cure and what to do. And Jesus knows a vocation can stretch you out: he told the people in Capernaum, “there were many widows in Israel in the time of Elijah... yet he was sent to none of them except to a widow at Zarephath in Sidon.” Not to an insider, but to the surprising stranger! And that call  can be dangerous news for Jesus and for us.

In the Narnia books, Edward asks, “This Aslan, is he safe?” The answer comes immediately, “Of course he’s not safe, but he’s good!” Three things here: the good news is that a vocation can give you a new life: the bad news is that it just might kill you, or bring you close to death, first. And the best news is that you will live through it; 

That’s why we’re here, joining in this feast, because by eating this living bread, incorporating this dying-rising life that Jesus shares with us, we shall live forever; embracing our changing and growing vocations to be the body of Christ by serving and loving our neighbour, the needy, the newcomer, the stranger that life puts in front of us. Like the widows son, we wake to new life, to meet those that God calls us to know in love: up to and including to that very odd person who peers back from the bathroom mirror every morning when we brush our teeth! 

Even there and then. here and now, God call us to the gift of life, as the place where our vocation can live. So may we today, may everyone, everyday, embrace our calling to live in, live out, share in, the love, the life, that we are given from God. 

In the name of Christ, Amen, 

Talk for Synod, Diocese of Wangaratta 2013 - Education and Formation

In 1977 I went to visit a monastery in Santa Barbara California because my life was at a crisis: as a student, as a worker, as a man trying to figure out what my place was in the world; what I had to get and what I had to give.  I had no answers and I wasn’t even sure how to ask the questions. And something happened to me. If you’re interested, I can talk you about it another time, but the end result was, I found the God believed in me. And that made all the difference. 

After that it was time to return to my life, my work, my studies, my wildly open future. As I was preparing to leave the monastery that morning I  saw the oldest monk  walking outside the chapel: a monk for 70+ years, Bishop Campbell had retired as a bishop from Africa,  was around 92  at that time and still going strong.  I went up to him and I thanked him for his presence during my time there, then said, and now I’m going back to my life.” He looked at me steadily for a moment then said, “Yes, another beginning!” And I’ve always remembered that.

I've also been very fond of a one liner from a Rhodes scholar who went in a different direction. Kris Kristofferson, in the song, “Me and Bobby McGee”, said “freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.” and there’s a real wisdom there. 

Now we’re in a funny place as a church. We were a cultural necessity for so long, part of the official definition of the good life, had some real glory years, and now they seem to be gone. There may be some sadness that so many things that seemed to be eternal have come to an end; but as a 92-year-old monk said to me some 36 years ago, it is another beginning.

I am no longer a young man, Bishop Campbell is long gone, even the monastery burned to the ground a few years ago and a smaller number of monks have renewed the ministry in an disused convent closer to the center of Santa Barbara. And we are no longer part of the official definition of the good life, the Anglican church is hardly fashionable anymore. We have good memories as we look for another beginning where the old answers might not fit, and the new questions are just coming into focus.

But there is a tremendous freedom in the beginning again, in looking around and wondering what the gospel will look like in the 21^st century, as long as we keep fast to the graceful hope that God believes in us more than we believe in ourselves; that God holds our church in love; then by God’s grace we have nothing left to lose and a new beginning to gain.

And where do we go from here? My personal hunch is that we have lost the battle of Sunday morning. 40 or 50 years ago, the market was closed, the playing field silent,  and sleeping in or taking brunch was not such a popular option. That world has changed and there are new and noisy gods on the horizon; the mall or the web, the media and big business, sex and popularity and money are so often the new meaning. 

And while most people have left religion behind, some others stick to a strident fundamentalism, an evangelical fervor that often strikes me as a defense mechanism against the possibility that God is calling us to something new, something larger than vision of the church we found such comfort in so many years ago. That gives me hope too. I think it must’ve been like that when the Christian community left its Jewish parentage and went among the nations; it must’ve been like that when Christians started to speak out for pacifism, against slavery, for women’s rights, against multinationals and ecological outrage. Perhaps another beginning for God’s people is growing in the heart of the church. And where do we go from here?

I think the best thing is to start small. A few years ago we started a four-year program with the bishop certificate and over 40 people enrolled. We’ve lost a few and gained a few since then. But I realized that most people are not ready or able to make that kind of time commitment. In my ministry for the diocese I’m building 4 week templates, weekend templates, one day templates, even online classes that can happen any time for anyone, anywhere. 

We’re meeting people where they are and when they can join us  by offering options for Tuesday nights or Thursday nights, Saturday morning or Sunday afternoon: short sequences that can awaken curiosity and hope, seed community and commitment, so that we can  remind people that we stand offering a tradition that carries the greatest tradition of justice, mercy, hope, community, that the world has ever seen. 

But this is not easy and there is a danger that we are so caught by our history that we could almost lose hope, we’ve already lost so much, but “We are the body of Christ” and God believes in us so much more than we believe in ourselves, so carrying this hope can be such good news, this freedom of nothing left to lose gives us everything to gain as a gift from God.

So we’re starting small from here. If you are a small congregation, 3 to 12 people meeting every week or once or twice a month, I ask you to consider  having a one-day program once or twice a year. We can do it as part of the Sunday service and try to nurture your existing membership and maybe bring in a few new people. If you’re a larger congregation, think about having a few four-week series on Bible study, on meditation, on faith and films,  on making your own rule of life: come talk to me about who you are and what you like and we can try to make a program that fits for you; and if I can’t do it, I can help you find somebody who can.  

if you’re a larger congregation this offer stands too, but I would also ask you to look at your own membership, clergy and laity, and think about, what talents or community you might share from within your congregations, amongst your sisters and brothers in the diocese, what gifts you might have to give. 

This can be a very rich moment to be in the church, a lovely time to think on these things, and while there is much that may be ending, it may well be that we are privileged to witness a new beginning, an opportunity that comes to us with a great freedom and an equal responsibility. But I am convinced that we are under an obligation, under the gift of grace, to recall who we are, what we carry, why that matters, for God believes in us, and that shall always be our heritage, our heart, and our hope.

Rob Whalley + 

Easter 7C

Six months ago today I had a total shoulder replacement. The surgery was amazingly easy, the recovery process much more complicated than I expected. I was on sick leave for 3 months, the Bishop told me it would take more like 6 months, I’ll be doing the physiotherapy for the rest of the year, probably forever, to get the maximum effect from the 2 hour operation, and it keeps changing. 

I had planned the time after the surgery for reading, writing, meditation, prayer. But it didn’t happen. I couldn’t even read a book for the first few weeks, writing was no easier, that changed as time went on, but the time for quiet meditation just got noisy, with ideas, old memories, distractions and dumb ideas all leading me astray, and my prayer life turned around too; partly because I was being away from the regular places I worked and prayed, but partly there was this lingering hunch that God was using the change of scenery to change something in me, deeper  than I knew - and it wasn’t easy. 

Now six months later I am back at work, but still not back in old routines, trying to stretch out in the  old places with some new habits, letting life move and breathe in them in new ways. And all that is Eastertide stuff.

We’ve just been though seven weeks of living with uprising. Jesus is alive, Christ is risen from the grave, and life gets confusing pretty quickly. The Gospel readings after the resurrection have some strange encounters: Jesus telling Mary Magdalene, “do not hold on to me,” asking Thomas to touch his open wounds, walking and talking with the disciples  on the road to Emmaus,  enlightening their hope and understanding, arranging a surprising fishing expedition, even serving  the disciples with a breakfast barbecue at the beach. It looks like He just might show up anywhere. And then today, as we move to the feast of Pentecost, Jesus says:

“As you, Father, are in me and I am in you, may they also be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me...that they may be one, as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become completely one, so that the world may know that you have sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.”

And that sends us in a new direction: to take in the chance, the Pentecost promise, that God comes to dwell, pitch his tent, in the middle of our daily journey, here and now, everyday. And how do we stretch out to take that possibility, to live life with God in the middle of it all?

I am doing four things to get ready for Pentecost, for this new season of the church year that leads us all the way to Advent, get us through the winter and spring us into new beginnings. Four things: one private ritual that’s an addition to something I’ve done for years, two old routines I’ve brought back, and something new I never thought of before, surprising me with me great pleasure, fresh breath, new insight, and I want to share these four practices with you today. 

First a story. Some thirty years ago I was living in a seminary in California with students from a variety of faith communities: Methodist, Anglican, Lutheran, Baptist, Mennonite, Congregational, even a Coptic Christan. Julian was from South Africa, had been politically involved in fighting apartheid, racial segregation, and when he finished his Master degree in Berkeley he invited some of us to a celebration, a prayer time together, where he prayed in a way I had never seen. We gathered around a fireplace, and he lit some twigs, then he chanted the Lord’s prayer very quickly, almost muddling the words together, ‘Father in heaven, may your name be holy, may your kingdom come, may your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.Give us today daily bread, forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors, save us from the time of trial but deliver us from evil.Amen.’ then he prayed some other prayers, moved some wood around the fire, maybe bowed, and again, “‘Father in heaven, may your name be holy, may your kingdom come, may your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today daily bread, forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors, save us from the time of trial but deliver us from evil.Amen.’

And I thought, this is pretty different! It's like you’re rushing like refugees away from an army, or you’re trying to turn around on a dangerous path, or you’re looking at the likelihood of your own death and trying to remember, quickly, what matters most.  And it’s come back to me now.

For some years, since I trained as a chaplain in a psych ward in 1989, I’ve often prayed when I washed and dried by my hands during the day, not many words, sometimes thinking of baptism and what that means, sometimes remembering St Theresa of Avila where she says. 

Christ has no body but yours...Yours are the eyes with which he looks
Compassion on this world,Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good,
Yours are the hands, with which he blesses all the world…Christ has no body now on earth but yours.

But now I am quickly adding the Lord’s prayer, like a pilgrim trying to practice resurrection and the promise of Pentecost, and it seems to lead me to more life. I offer it to you as a gift for this new season. 

Two other routines I used to practise have returned in my sick leave and recovery time; silently saying "thank you" and "I'm sorry" to God twenty times a day, sending that quick prayer to God like an email: but not just for me but for others in this world we share: it can be a tree's autumn colors, a child’s laughter, someone leaning on a friend, the lady driver who slows down to let me cross the street. I say I’m sorry too! For other people dealing with illness, age, anxiety, all the sad and wonderful business of being human. I watch people going the tough times and I pretend I’m “an authorized friend of Jesus” and I hold them in my heart like the Lord crying over Jerusalem, and I witness the compassion and hope and the rest we share in Christ with God. 

Jesus says: that they may be one, as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become completely one, so that the world may know that you have sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.”

Before the surgery I usually started the work day doing morning prayer at the Bishop’s Registry. But home alone I found another way to pray, something that surprised me: how many of you remember chanting the psalms? 

(singing) Light dawns for the righteous * and joy for the upright in heart.

Rejoice in the Lord, O you righteous, * and give thanks to his holy name.

It may be a little odd, sitting at my desk alone at home. But I think of all the choirs, the gatherings over centuries, in little churches and schools, monasteries and convents, cities and deserts, on the road to somewhere and in the middle of nowhere, how these songs of praise and prayer, lamentation and laudation, continue to sing out all over the world, even more than the world, and I add my voice to the choir and it gives me great joy.

Jesus says, that they may be one, as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become completely one, so that the world may know that you have sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.”

We are here to prepare for Pentecost, for the promise of God’s loving spirit, God’s very simple breath, in our lives, in our hearts. These are some stretches, basic aerobics to reach out and touch the spirit of Christ that longs to give us breath, offer a hand, enable hope, heart and glory, with the gift of the Spirit. 

Let St Theresa have the last word: 

Let nothing make you afraid.
All things are passing.
God alone never changes.
Patience gains all things.
If you have God you will want for nothing.
God alone suffices.

Amen

Easter 6C

In 1977, when I was 31 years old, I went to visit a monastery in the hills of Santa Barbara California. It was a time in my faith journey when I was no longer sure that I had the right answers and I really was beginning to wonder if I even had the right questions.

So I went to visit this monastery. The monks, the brothers living in the house, were kind and hospitable and gave this sad young man a room in the dormitory, three meals a day and plenty of time. So I stayed there a few weeks, reading books, visiting with people, taking long walks; then    one of the brothers said to me, “you seem to have a fine intellectual understanding of the faith, in your head, but you’re not giving much time for prayer, in your heart. Why don’t you spend a half-hour in the chapel every night and just pray for guidance?” So I started doing that, without much expectation but giving it time, and one night I met God believing in me. 

That was more than half my life ago and I will never forget it: but I will always remember that it came when my heart was filled with sadness, my hands were open and empty,  and my life was left without a lot of hope.  But what I found was, even there, especially there, was that God was there believing in me.

The day I left to go back to my life outside the monastery I  talked to one of the older monks.  He had been a Bishop in the African church, retired to the monastery, was around 92 years old. I told him I was going back to the University, going back home to take up my studies and work, and he looked at me and said, “Ah yes, another beginning.” So I went back to make another beginning in the middle of my life and that was the end of my time in Santa Barbara.

The lessons for this Sunday have to do with beginnings, middles and ends. In the reading from the Acts of the Apostles,  St. Paul starts a new church at the home of Lydia, “a worshiper of God and a dealer in purple cloth.” She is one of the reminders that the early church was full of strong and capable women, in the tradition of the Virgin Mary and Mary Magdalene, and up to the present day whom we remember and give  thanks for  their mission and ministry, in their birthing and building up of the Christian community.

  The reading from the Revelation to John has to do with the end of the world, The word “End” (the greek is Telos) here means both the final act and the final goal. This reading gives us a poetic picture of what we might finally hope for as we walk with God, with Jesus, in the spirit, today. It is a a place of perfect balance and perfect beauty, the hope of heaven. Interestingly, there's no church there, no need for a building, but when we're there, each one stands enlightened by God’s good light, we living eternally in the light of God’s love, in that heavenly City, joining together in that heavenly feast of which this Eucharist is a simple foretaste. 

But today’s Gospel plants us right in the middle of everything, in a difficult time, in that seemingly random parade of events from Easter to Pentecost, the weeks that follow from the resurrection of Jesus to the birthday of the church. And now, in this in-between time, Jesus is surprising people: telling Mary Magdalene, “do not hold on to me,” asking Thomas to touch his open wounds,  then showing up walking and talking with the disciples  on the road to Emmaus,  enlightening their hope and understanding. He arranges a surprising fishing expedition, even serves  the disciples a bonus breakfast barbecue at the beach. And then he tells his disciples, his friends, ‘I am going away, and I am coming to you.’ 

Sometimes it is difficult to deal with these comings and goings of the Lord. Sometimes it seems less of a dance and more like a conversation on a phone when the voice keeps fading in and out. We can try to learn to accept the rhythm of it, like the church seasons moving from feast to fast, from  penitence to celebration,  from dying faith to living hope, but sometimes it’s not easy. But Jesus says, “If you loved me, you would rejoice that I am going to the Father, because the Father is greater than I.” 

And he also tell us, 

”I have said these things to you while I am still with you. But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything, and remind you of all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you... Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid.”

 And then sometimes he seems to leave us, even after Easter.  And our hearts can still be filled with sadness, our hands open and empty,  and our lives left without a lot of hope. He even left the disciples wondering a bit back then. It’s not an uncommon place to be.

But as we move to Pentecost Jesus still promises to meet us in the middle of the way with all our brittle doubts and our ragged faith, sad hearts, and empty open hands. And if we will still reach out he will join with us through the very center of this dangerous journey and accompany us all the way home to that enlightened city, that final heavenly festival, that great feast  that is in the middle and the end, of all creation. And Jesus promises that he will share with us the very breath that breathes the universe, that breathes through his own redemptive life, to turn us around, and that breath/spirit will join us on the way. So we wait in the middle of this Easter season to know the fire of Pentecost, that we may find here, in the middle of everywhere, that God creates another beginning to bring us home in the end.

St John Chrysostom writes this in an Easter homily some 1600 years ago, it's a good place to end:

Come…  enter into the joy of your Lord…. enjoy the banquet of faith… receive the riches of his goodness. Let no one grieve over his poverty, for the universal kingdom has been revealed; let no one weep over his sins, for pardon has shone from the grave; let no one fear death, for the death of our Saviour has set us free...

Christ is risen and [death is] abolished. Christ is risen and... demons are cast down. Christ is risen and... angels rejoice. Christ is risen and life is freed. Christ is risen and the tomb is emptied of the dead... To Him be glory and power for ever and ever. Amen. 

Easter 2C

Jesus says to Thomas, “Do not doubt, but believe!” But it’s not always easy to believe, for the disciple Thomas back then or for us now. You can understand Thomas’s difficulties in our Gospel lesson for today; Responding to the other disciples claimed that they had seen the Lord; that he was alive!  Thomas has been through a lot: he was with Jesus at the raising of Lazarus, when a good friend dead three days was revived, brought back to life; he was there on the journey to Jerusalem, when cries of praise with waving palm leaves and songs of triumph turn to crowds calling for execution. Thomas likely was one of the disciples watching a distance from the  crucifixion,  watching their best hope die and not wanting to believe what they  were seeing.  God knows where they went after that. With that much life and death and life, blessings and betrayals all jumbled together, Thomas and the other disciples can be forgiven for wanting to hang their heads and hide.

Because sometimes faith is the last thing you want, because keeping hope alive can really hurt, because sometimes love seems to lose and you end up feeling lost. Sometimes resignation feels easier in the long run. After the pain, after the death throes, you make peace with defeat and death, you let it go, accept the fact, cut the losses, close the door. But if Jesus' back, then life opens up again! And that’s not easy to live with for Thomas; so he can be forgiven for seeming to resist hope. When you’ve been knocked down that many times, why bother to rise up again; why risk love and hope and faith? 

Still Jesus meets Thomas in all his unbelief and Jesus says, “I am here in this broken body, alive after all this tragedy, a new triumph, a new life awaits.” And  so Thomas takes up the burden of belief and begins again to live with the possibility of resurrection, believing and living in a world where love lives, where faith unfolds old burial clothes as it is born into new beginnings, where hope can rise up and make all things new. And Thomas reaches out for Jesus’ open, welcoming, broken hands and takes on the possibility of a life lived with new faith. And we are here to witness this and to follow in that path; and the question I want to ask today is “How do we, like Thomas, learn to live with resurrection faith?”

I want to talk about how we stretch out our faith using one imaginary page with four sides, each side with two words - eight in all: four latin words that Marcus Borg uses in his book, “The Heart of Christianity” and four english words that I’ve come up with, and to see if these eight words can open up some images and ideas to increase our personal faith, our understanding, our common ministry, as the church, the living body of Christ.

The first word Borg uses for faith is “Fiducia,” related to fiduciary, a place we can trust. He uses a wonderful image here, saying we must learn to trust in God in order to live in God just like a young child must trust in the water before they learn to swim: you have to relax into the possibility that the water, that God, will carry you.  

My word here is “Formation.” The task here is learning again and again that we are formed in the image of God;  and that God’s love, God’s heart, God’s hand, creates, redeems, encourages us; all that we are and all that we do, every moment of our lives. In Christian formation, through prayer, study, and sharing, we come to see and believe, that God delights in us as we are and as God calls us to be who we are. 

Borg’s second word for faith is “Accensus,” related to what we assent to, say yes to, how we formulate and figure out our faith; and my second word here is “Education.” Just as in formation we learn who we are (God’s beloved), then we have to work, to study, to find out “where we come from, where we’re going, and why all the traveling” and that takes time and effort. 

I joke that no one would go to the gym for an hour and a half a week and expect to get fit (although I do just that!). In the same way no one would go to church for an hour and a half a week and expect to know much about the deepest wisdom, ethical, prophetic, political, poetic, compassionate, tradition that Western civilization has ever produced. We grow muscles, dexterity, stamina and faith as we learn our part in glory of our tradition, this ancient family company that works for mercy and justice, carries healing and compassion, brings the captives home, and has for over 2000 years, and this has to be seen, read, understood, rejoiced in in order to be believed.

The third word I use in this four sided model is “Celebration.” We are here because God comes to keep us company In Jesus Christ and that’s good news, especially in times when life turns corners and takes us on a new road, when we get lonely and need company, for, quoting one playwright:

In a world where so many are alone it would be an unforgivable sin to be lonely by yourself 

And every church stands as a sign that no one is alone. Jesus sees lonely crowds and feels compassion and so do we. That’s what it means to be church, the body of Christ. We come together to celebrate the Eucharist, to celebrate when a baby is born, when a couple marries, when life comes to an end: we set the space and fix the meals and tell the stories and gather the community in tragedy and triumph, in good times and bad, we honor the dignity of every human person, and we celebrate the gift of God in keeping faith, in celebrating and sharing that good news to all humankind.

The word Borg uses for this kind of faith is “Fidelitas,” We are here to keep God’s good news in growing faithful relationship with partners, family, friends and strangers who need us -- and maybe everybody needs us, needs what we have to celebrate. For as one parish put it in their mission statement: “God is love, we deliver!” And that good news has room for everyone.

Borg’s fourth and final word for faith is “Visio,’ related to Vision. We come to see better to envision more clearly, to live into our life as God’s faithful friends over time. This comes as a gift, taken up in hope and love, exercised with discipline and devotion, and leads us to a faith that works and changes and grows.

So my last word is “transformation.”  because that’s what happens. When we come to see how deeply God forms and calls us, when our ongoing education open us to see what a large company of faith, wisdom and practice we are part of, when we increasingly understand the ways we are called to celebrate God’s kingdom coming and God’s will being done; then we come to realise in doing our daily deeds and sharing our daily bread, we’re slowly but surely changing the who world.

So faith in Jesus Christ can mean accensus, fiducia, fidelitas and visio; can lead us to formation, education, celebration, and transformation. This takes time and work and company and God’s good Grace; but we’re ok, because the Gospel assures us we already have that! We might worry that we’re too new or too old, but God’s truth is we have all the time in the world and quite a bit more as well. One theologian says that our Christian life is “a marinade rather than a glaze; we are being transformed by being soaked in the gospel!” So over time, letting God’s love, God’s hope, God’s faith soaks into our hearts and lives, we come to see the world the way God sees it from the  start, soaked in Christ’s incarnation, teaching, healing, his gathering, in his love and his loss and his triumphs over death. Sharing this ministry and his spirit, his hands reaching out to Thomas, to us too, and Jesus asks us to live faithfully into the light of resurrection, for that is what we are called to do as God’s beloved creation, God's spirited friends, the body of Christ.   Amen.

Easter 2013

Let’s start wide, and say that something happened, let’s say that two people (Sts Peter and Paul) saw something happen both close up and a ways away, and their lives changed in a way that turned them and the world in a revolution that continues today. 

Then let’s say a third person (St Mary Magdalene) went farther and saw more and we’re not even sure what happened to her. It’s a mystery! But let’s also say these three people; Peter, Paul, and Mary Magdalene (not to be confused with the twentieth century folk-rock group) are like us, can tell us something we need to know about how faith can come from doubt, hope can cast out fear, and new love can rise out of loss in light of the resurrection of Jesus. 

As a first century church teacher, healer, bishop, martyr, St Peter sounds pretty good; but he didn’t always. If you really look at the man as he appears in the early part of the New Testament, he’s… well, to quote a children’s sermon  I gave a few years ago. 

“Sometimes his mouth opened before his mind really thought of what he was going to say or do. He tried too hard. He talked too much. He would say he was going to do something and then not do it. But Jesus still liked him a lot and kept him around.”

That’s an informal but fair summary of how Simon Peter is seen in the Gospels. And there are three ways what happened to Peter then can inform us now.

First, To be fully human; second, to be ready to struggle with the life of faith and with doubt as well; and third; to be willing to change and grow beyond what you think you know about yourself and what you think you know about God as well. 

We’re so tough on ourselves, afraid that we are incomplete when the truth is that we are only unfinished, flesh and blood. We worry that we might be judged for being “incomplete” or for not having our answers right. But if Simon Peter ends a saint then maybe being “unfinished” is the right word for any human saint in process.. Not according to a prearranged plan or filling out an existing exam, less like marching and more like dancing. Two quotes fit here;  the hymn, “There’s a wideness in God’s mercy,” and a bumper sticker which said, “Be kind, God isn’t finished with me yet!”  

Second, Peter models wrestling with faith and doubt. Abraham Heschel writes: "Well-adjusted people think that faith is an answer to all human problems. In truth, however, faith is a challenge to all human persons. To have faith is to be in labor." And Peter labors on. He gets it wrong, he keeps going, he tries again, he comes ‘round right. 

For we learn how to live a life of faith by struggling with what it means to doubt, and Peter comes to believe something bigger than he knew. And that’s the third point. 

Peter’s faith become bigger than his life. He had to lose the doubt that he was not enough, and live into the faith that God believed in him more than he believed in himself! We can think of faith as a sort of massive self-improvement process; but Peter’s faith comes as a gift to take with an open heart and with empty hands. That’s a good lesson for some of us. 

Now St Paul’s path is almost the opposite of Peter; his Christ comes with a blinding insight; that Paul is to let go, unlearn all those clear cut laws and commandments he had leaned on in living as a Pharisee, a fundamentalist on the straight and narrow path for so long. He had to come to see law and grace in a new way in the wide and graceful light of Christ, in a growing assurance that fear can find hope; and that hope is wider than fear.

This is not easy for Paul (and I would wager it wasn’t too easy for some of the people around him), for this kind of insight can leave you in the dark for awhile, turning you around from following dead laws to living new life, from outer and inner darkness to renewed and inspired insight, a larger life and larger love with more room than you had thought.

And the second thing Paul sees is through his witness of that this new shared life of Jesus, this new spirit, brings together the body of Christ; people of different viewpoints, histories and hopes. So Paul’s grows to find a new harmony in this common way home: to love his neighbor as he learned to love himself, as beloved of God. As Peter had to take on a new faith, Paul had to leave off his old fear. That may fit for some of us too.

A 14th century book “Cloud of Unknowing” has a three bits of advice on meeting God in prayer that fit here. For Peter-type people it says; push upward beyond what you think you know, beyond who you think you are, into the place where God waits to surprise you! The advice for the Paul-people is; press down, leaving behind what you’ve done and who you were, what you believed and fought for, so God can meet you and renew you. 

There is a third way in the Cloud as well. The author says, and I paraphrase mightily here; If all else fails, just say, “Here I am, as I am, right, now. Please help! And that takes us to Mary, who must have been so important in Jesus’ community, and whom we know so little about; Mary with those two angels, messengers, and that mysterious gardener. 

For Mary, as well as for Peter and Paul, Jesus had opened a new way into the mystery of life, His life and deeds seem to speak a word, live out a way, to get past all dead ends and into something new --  more holy, and more fully involved with flesh and blood and community and relationship. More life. New life.

But here she in a dirty grey dawn, walking to a lonely garden where a closed tomb marked the death of the liveliest person she had ever known, the liveliest hope she had ever held, and all she could do is ask someone who looks like the gardener where the corpse of that love may now be hidden.

Gardens are as tough and as wonderful as life: unpredictable places where seed falls into mysterious ground: summers with rich harvest, years when fire and drought kill growth and the fields seem barren: autumn when the promise of rain gives us new hope, cold hidden winters, and warm springs when life bursts into sudden glory. They take time, show history, need much work, can cause calluses, break your heart and back, and yet we love them so.

But if you’ve ever planted seeds and waited for the harvest you know what a garden is worth. So does God. In Christ, God’s seed is planted deep in all that is around us: all that is reasonable, holy and living. Even now, God is casting it wide, letting the seed break apart in darkness, letting it be nourished over time, working the field, never ceasing to weed and watch, that nothing may be lost in life, not even death shall be lost in the light of God!  And in that garden Jesus defeated every falsehood with the power of the deepest truth of God’s love.

And Jesus comes to meet Mary, and us, there; love lives and speaks to her in a life that lives beyond death. Do not hold on to an old truth, Mary, meet the mystery of love in a new way,. Let love lost be born anew. For life is now forever new! 

And because she had followed him so faithfully to this dead end, he sends her as the first apostle to this new beginning, and she goes to the disciples with the Gospel news; I have seen the Lord. And it all begins there! 

Three witnesses, three ways three people responded to an almost unbelievable influx of new life, a new way of living, where doubt leads to faith, fear comes to hope, loss finds greater love. There darkness is overcome by a light shining almost two thousand years later, a light that has changed the world and will, make no mistake, continue to do so until Christ is all in all.

For Alleluia, Christ is risen, He is risen indeed, Alleluia,

Alleluia, Christ is risen, He is risen indeed, Alleluia,

Alleluia, Christ is risen, He is risen indeed, Alleluia, 

Dealing with Dirty Deaths and Cleaning Gardens - Lent 3C

To start with a confession: I’ve always envied people who can dance well. I’ve even known a few professional dancers who were very serious about their training, practiced stretching and moving much like athletes do, kept themselves fit and limber in their lives, and I’ve always admired that. Now I’ve been working on fitness and stretching in recovering from the shoulder replacement surgery in December and am I am doing regular exercises for range of motion and strength; sitting and standing, on the floor and in the pool too and I am getting better. I can’t quite dance yet, but I am getting there!

This is important to me because for a long time I’ve believed we’re called to dance with life, with each other, and with God. That came back to me when I was reading the lessons we just heard for today: first in Jesus’s response to follower’s questions about folks murdered by Herod,  about people killed by a falling tower;  then in the story that follows about the gardener who pleads for the barren tree to be saved for one more year because it still might bear fruit: and earlier in the prophet Isaiah, the Old Testament lesson, with his proclamation of the heavenly feast, the great Jubilee banquet which turns out to be well worth waiting for. Because both the Old Testament lesson and the Gospel have to do with stretching and balancing and that takes me back to the Lord’s prayer as a kind of dance: so listen and see if this makes sense to you. 

When we say, “Father in heaven, Hallowed be your name,” we stretch out! Even though the word for God in the Greek or Aramaic is close to Papa or Daddy in our language; it is still the God of the whole universe! So we reach out far and then return home when we ask  Abba that: “Your kingdom come, your will be done/ On earth as it is in heaven.” Do you see the start of a dance there? Reaching out to the God who is beyond the universe and call him Papa. and returning to the very particulars of our own life. 

“Give us today our daily bread.”  Even though we’re invited to call God of the universe our Father, we are still asked to acknowledge the fact that we are fragile, flesh and blood, in need of fuel, in danger of starvation. I think most of us have it pretty good nowadays, compared with most of human history, but even today, even now, maybe not here but in countries not too far away, there are people starving to death today. So they might pray this prayer in a different way than we do, and perhaps we might think of them when we pray it.

Then (and I use one translation), “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” Again, for most of us indebtedness does not mean slavery or servitude. But I think, for most of the world and over most of our history, debt means the danger of losing your own freedom and that of your family. Again, prayer as the most basic kind of petition for food and for freedom.

The two final petitions focus even closer on the most naked vulnerability: “Save us from the time of trial and deliver us from evil.” God knows we need a prayer there, and in Jesus God sees a lot about trials and about evil: at the beginning of his ministry, right after his baptism, tempted in the wilderness, Jesus knows hunger very well;  and on the last day of his life, when evil is looking at Him face to face, Jesus cries out, “I thirst.”

As God asking to be called Abba, Father, calls us both to reach out and to come close; so God in Christ Jesus comes close to us, lives deep into human life, knows well our troubles and travels, and shares a lively and inspired life with us. For in the center of who he was, and how he lived, there is a moving faith, a deep hope, a spirited love moving towards, ready to turn, to stretch out, even on the wood of the cross, with the belief that acceptance wins over rejection, that life prevails over death, that God’s purpose rises up in a single love that last forever. “For the kingdom the power and the glory are yours.” As Jesus stretches out to live that life, we reach out to pray that prayer, in every day and every way, as we live our lives. 

So let’s look at the lessons for today.

People come to Jesus and say , “There is corruption, there is violence, there are random accidents and death. People are hit by things that seem to make no sense. Why?” And Jesus doesn’t answer directly. Instead he tells them, “Repent, turn around, put on a new mind, understand love anew!”  Jesus doesn’t teach a way or give us an answer that gets us past all the bad stuff; instead he comes with us right through the middle of life, into all the good and bad, into all the life and death with the promise of resurrection at the last. No theory, no insurance plan, no roadmap; but a lively companion on the way, and the great assurance we will make it through at the last.

In his book, The Great Divorce, C. S. Lewis,  says, at the end of life (and in the middle of everything, in every moment) there is one conversation. Either we say to God, “Your will be done” or God says to us, “your will be done.” Every moment, every turning, every choice, provides a chance to dance, a place to meet with God (in the immensity of the universe and the smallness and poverty and particularity of our own lives) and move into, and live out this conversation. And in this we are just like Jesus.

It often isn’t easy and our religion doesn’t have easy answers, because it is larger than life!  It’s not like a legal contract, It is more of a dance party, or a relationship, a romance; and it does not take place in an examination room or a court house or a prison. If you want to stay scriptural, you can say it takes place in a garden! So Eden in Genesis is a garden party where wrong choices about whose will will be done seem to break the the party spirit for a long time, and where we look to be lost. But towards the end of his life on earth Jesus goes to another garden, Gesthemane, where with faith and no small sacrifice, he turns round right to brings us home again; where what seemed to be the dead-end of love and hope turns out to be the mystery of a new beginning. And there still no easy answers, for  even when Jesus is put to rest a garden tomb, when, Mary Magdalene, perhaps the first apostle of the resurrection, meets the risen living Christ who has died, she isn’t too sure who he is: she thinks he’s the gardener: and of course he is! Go back to the Gospel for today. In all his dancing with life, death and resurrection Jesus joins us to turn around our ideas, our expectations, our fears, and our hope; turning over the dirt and the ground of our lives with all the weeds and wonder, so that new hope may come to bloom. 

We only get hints and guesses from here: but, both in the Lord’s Prayer and in the prophet Isaiah, we dance with that desire, we are called to stretch out with the hope that the Kingdom is coming, the feast is on the Way, that, with our consent, God’s will will be done. For our Father has given us a garden, Christ joins us in the deepest and closest ground of our life to turn us around, and the spirit will make sure we will never lose our way home.

Amen

I’ve gotten some nice feedback from people from my last bit of reflection posted in here. it gives me some courage to share more personal items from my journal. So from today: Let’s spend some time talking about recovery from surgery and returning to work:

I am not sure if it’s the recovering from major surgery and the anesthetics; if it is the work – internally and externally – involved with physiotherapy, building new neurological and muscular pathways of motion and understanding; whether it’s old age and the onset of dementia – although friends tell me I can discount that as I haven’t changed that much: but some things have changed. And it might  simply be  related to the increased time that I’m giving for meditation and centering prayer as well as the enforced solitude that comes from being away from work recovering from the shoulder surgery.

But I have changed. I am more sensitive to pain and fatigue and feelings: not only, “what’s on your heart and mind right now?,”  But the inchoate sensations that are coming from my body, new dimensions of feedback I’m aware of after working out or stretching: I’m getting more feedback from areas that used to make less noise. And that is changing me.

I will go back to the office next week. Since I’m only working a four-day week, it is not likely  the initial stress or strain will be too overwhelming. I can do a lot of work from home – probably most of it. And since there is not much work outside the office until after Easter, I’m spared the fatigue that comes from too much driving and getting home late after teaching an evening class an hour away.

But it still seems a bit uphill. I’ve become aware in the last few years that I multitask less well, I need  thoughtful routines and better methodology in addition to ongoing discipline and devotion to keep myself right side up  on a busy or demanding day. I get flummoxed more easily and more often unless I’m careful about how I approach my  work and move through it.

Coming back to work after a three-month sick-leave, though, is the perfect opportunity to do some things differently, to start something new; so I need to think about how to incorporate what I may have learned from where I’ve been to where I’m going. 

Several years ago when teaching a class at Trinity Theological School in Melbourne I talked a bit about, and offered some models from, a variety of sources on building a rule of life. I think it’s time for me to look at these again. I will be teaching a class later in the year on that subject, but I need it for myself first - perhaps to start that task is a good beginning in the middle of Lent.

 So today: having done my lectio and meditation/prayer; I’m doing some further reflection and writing, getting ready for lunch with a friend, and following that with errands and shopping. I have a study group tonight that I need to prepare for and I might grab a nap in the middle there somehow.

It is feeling like an autumn day here. Cool weather, intermittent rain, pale skies, and I am glad the season seems to be changing and I’m ready to move into  the new season. 37 years ago at Mount Calvary retreat house in Santa Barbara California (when I was returning after several weeks of staying with the monks back to the business of wrestling a bachelors degree from the University of California, Davis), I told one of the older monks (Bishop Robert – I think who had been with the order in Liberia many years before) that I was off to return to my hometown. He scarcely paused on his way through the hall, “Ah, yes, another beginning.” I do – sometimes with difficulty – try to thank God for beginnings and their concomitant endings:  in in any case, it looks like another time comes round.

Getting up to date after the "total shoulder replacement surgery" ouch!

I am realizing that this blog has degenerated into a collection of sermons, so here’s a selection of journaling from the last two months. 

9 December 2012. I need to sit down and write for awhile: get a lot out, just write, and see what happens then…

Fear about the surgery in three days. 3 hours with my right shoulder being replaced, 90 days on sick leave, and most of the next year in physiotherapy, but getting rid of the arthritis in my right shoulder. This is the first surgery since 1986 when I had the gall bladder surgery; I was 30 then, so this is different: it scares me a lot - the pain, helplessness, weakness, being a burden to others, getting crazy with the anesthetic, not coming back mentally or physically. The fear of dying on the table, all that. 

But I know a number of people who’ve had it, and are the better for it, so I should be all right; but I’ve also heard stories of it going badly, don’t like the fact it might need to be replaced in 10 or 12 years, it is a complex matter! 

Sunday afternoon, 16 December 2012, 3 PM.

I’m seeing how the new voice recognition system works on pages since my right arm is out of action for the next six weeks at least. So far, so good.

So far the program hasn’t frozen, which the old program had a tendency to do, so I may be all right.

I may be all right following the surgery as well. I went in on Wednesday morning and they had me walking by Thursday night: albeit slowly and not feeling too steady, but with growing assurance and strength with every step. They also told me that night that I would be well enough to go home the next day. That scared me, and I didn’t think it was possible, but by Friday morning I decided I was well enough to be home. So here I am. I’m not sleeping brilliantly  at night and still am feeling some pain, but this is so much better than expected.

So now I am on sick leave until 8 March! Evidently my tendons aren’t in great shape so I will need to take time with physiotherapy and not have high expectations, but I think it will make for some good improvement. Even now the pain is different and I’m not waking up at night with a sharp fiery pain when I turn over. Granted that’s because I’m sleeping on my back with a pillow under my shoulder, but even so.

Now Monday, 17 December, 2012. 10 AM.

Let’s just go stream of consciousness: my right bicep is sore, I might be a little bit depressed, this is the fifth day since surgery so that is perhaps expected; so we’ll go with it. The fact is that I’m in an unchartered place – Post surgery – pre-Christmas – in recovery – and anything else you care to mention. I’m not sleeping terribly well and need to start being more mindful this morning in terms of stretches and exercises, but I’ve actually been pretty careful until today. I just feel like a low, a bit of a fugue,  I guess.

So now it’s almost 12 and I still haven’t showered, I think it’ll be a lazy day. The weather is good today, feels like we're back in spring.

Is this working? Good! Now it is Thursday, 20 December 2012, almost 10 o’clock. Just one week and one day since the surgery.  I guess I’m going all right: I feel slow, there is some pain, I’m easily fatigued, perhaps on the edge of depression; and maybe all that is to be expected. The fact is that it I have gone through major surgery and that will be traumatic to my system and have long lasting affects and effects.

It’s hard to talk about all the things I feel right now: the right image might be something like getting through Carquinez Straits into San Francisco Bay or through the Golden Gate and into the larger ocean. There’s this feeling of – not quite being becalmed – but settling into a bit of a wider horizon where there are no easily identifiable landmarks.

Part of that is the season – end of the year has always been a difficult time for me as well as a time that I valued, thinking of the end of semester at USF or at CDSP when there was that same feeling; opening up to new options with the feeling that was both vacation and vacuous: both ending and beginning with the inevitable tension between the two.

So I want to make lists, lose myself in entertainment and media and planning and sensation, but I really don’t have the energy for that.

And the fact is I have at least six more weeks before I returned to any kind of work – and more likely 10 weeks with more exercise and physio, lifting larger weights with greater range of motion, working on aerobics too: and hopefully getting back into the pool!

22 December, 3 AM in the morning, too many ideas.

I woke about an hour ago with a bit of a sore shoulder, a dry mouth,  and a lot of ideas: sitting here, they all scatter to the far end of the room, regarding me balefully.

So what’s going on?

Trying to get a sense of balance, solid landmarks, with the post-surgery condition; involves levels of unpredictable fatigue, some amazing dreams, and a kind of inchoate listening to the body for new information, new cautions, new insights.

I see the surgeon day after tomorrow and the physiotherapist next Thursday so, up by that time, will have a new sense of where to go from here – probably new exercises and a better prognosis of the future.

It has been much easier than I expected, returning home more quickly, with less of a sense of being an invalid, more mobility and less liminality. But the subtler effects are still making their ways known: this fatigue, laden with insights, and a kind of murky quality I’m not sure if it – – and this is my current landscape.

John and I did a 2 mile walk two days ago and yesterday I really felt rocky: slightly off center in mood and perception, tired, nauseated, like I was pre migraine, feeling confused and anomalous, all that stuff. I had a serious nap in the afternoon, slept pretty well last night and woke up feeling exhausted but feel better today. Everybody says this is to be expected post-surgery.

Watched Wes Anderson’s “Moonrise Kingdom”  for the second time in two days and liked it a lot! Just a brilliant film. I think the next step would be to watch the one that takes place in India: “The Darjeeling Limited”.

I’m feeling a little more grounded, and we're getting a little more settled in the house but I would really like to have a bit more direction and get a bit more done in my life. There are still two months to go on sick leave, time when I will be primarily concerned with physiotherapy and have no job duties, so it’s not as though I don’t have a lot of time coming up to do new things to rethink some of the possibilities.

The house is looking brilliant! We’re even getting to the point where the den starting to look like a decent working space: well hopefully it will soon, and then I can... Well, more later …

Sunday, six January 8, on the feast of the Epiphany. 9 AM. I might go to church in an hour, maybe not. We’ll see. What’s going on?

The shoulder seems to be getting better. There is some itchiness, but it feels better than it did before surgery. I am trying to do the exercises mindfully – could do better of course, but I think I’m all right. I see Martin tomorrow for physiotherapy.

My moods are strange: getting tired quickly, a certain vulnerability, bits of paranoia, loneliness, crazy thinking in general.  I guess this is due to the anesthetic, at least everyone says so, so I shouldn’t take it too seriously. And I know my body is different because of the surgery: I was off-balance before – through not using the arm – now I am more so – because I’m not able to use the arm - but it’s different. I’ll try to do some stretching today, maybe a little bit of walking as well.

So it is 10 January at 10 AM, Thursday morning, and I’m trying to get some thoughts out on the voice recognition software about what’s going on with me.

Earlier in this document I talked about going through the Golden Gate or the Carquinez Straits and coming to a larger body of water. That image still stands but I need to add to it. There’s a feeling of exhaustion, of inadequacy, of being struck with the bigness of things. Life just seems very large and I feel very inadequate.

The fatigue has gotten worse in the last week; I drink coffee, get shaved and showered, eat my breakfast, and feel completely exhausted. The tiredness seems to come with a surprise, I will think I’m doing quite well and then I am exhausted. It’s nothing I can prepare for…

 Let’s start again. I’m depressed, frustrated, angry. I’m tired of my shoulder being sore and the restrictions in my movement. I hate not being able to drive. I’m feeling lonely and old and impotent. I miss doing what I do best; which is being with people, talking and teaching, listening and laughing. John is doing the best he can, which is very good, and I am very thankful. But I’m getting tired of this. 

Firstly; It is Saturday, 19 January 2013, actually it’s my maternal grandparents mutual birthday; born in 1888 and 1882, part of my familial and cultural lineage.

This illness and recovery has taken longer, been more wrong, and I expected. The ongoing soreness, sometimes pain, wears me down more than I expected. And after week three there has been a kind of reverential sadness – not quite depression but an awareness of that which has been lost; with a feeling that I can’t quite understand output my words around. My moods are – what’s the word – labial? I found myself – several times – getting angry about things that happened years ago, things I thought I’d put to rest. I can also feel old narrative plots come to the surface: what if I? Why didn’t I? Why did they? I try not to follow them for to long; and John thinks I’m doing pretty well, so I’ll rest in his judgment.

So I’m on sick leave for three months. That objective classification should both comfort me and allow me to see that this is not a trivial matter. My right shoulder has been replaced, tendons and ligaments have been redirected, neural pathways are renegotiated, the body rests and requires time to rethink itself, and this feels complex and difficult and sometimes wonderful.

So it brings up a lot of things: aging and death, what I want to live for and what I have to give, increased focus and attention and decreased energy open and ability to multitask.

So how many years I have left: five, 10, 15, 20? John’s father lasted for 25 more, died at 92, ‘though his last two years were pretty bad. My father died in 1997 at 83 – I think my mother was 81. Let’s say 15 years; then what

Asking what do  need to get and need to do from here on?

The biggest thing is a contemplative practice, Christian Zen, Centering Prayer, whichever: that should be part of my daily routine. I can understand the importance of it, the theory of it, but it’s the doing of it that drops me short of the goal: and I find it hard to get there from here. It’s always been easier from the essay and to do thinking about it, than to do the thing itself!  So let’s shut off the dictation and login 20 minutes right now. 

 So I did, and it was good. I think I do my best without a mantra or a phrase; simply try to listen for what is clear and renewing and refreshing and silent in the center of my breathing and the breathing around me.  Anyway, it was 20 minutes when I did shut up and tried to be kind to the voices and distractions and directions and get to something deeper and more clear in the center. Maybe I can do it tomorrow.

Writing the book carries a lot of fear for me. It’s probably the oldest myth I carry about myself, which might explain why it is so fraught with possibilities and perils.  I remember plots I constructed the ranch in my early teens – variations of books and movies I knew and liked, close to what I used to do one hour a week at El Dorado school in Sacramento. So when I come to the idea of writing a book, I meet the boy and the young man, the artist manqué, the tragic potential, and it  scares me.

But I also have to admit I am excited about the accuracy with which Dragon Dictate for Mac is transcribing the words that I’m saying – it’s getting damn near all of them right! I did print out the command cheat sheet and in learning some of the commands to “control, select, edit, undo, correct, and insert lines and words.” This can open up some amazing doors. What if I were able to get it right this time?